I forgot how much I love this song.
- On Measure 20, there should be more notes than just the minim. A couple of descending notes, which then form harmonies with the quavers (not octaves, I don't think).
- Really, Measures 13-20 look messy, but I'll excuse it because that's just how the notes are.
- When it comes to accidentals, particularly in the last section, try using a rule where you use sharps when the notes are going upwards, and flats when the notes are going downwards. It's slightly easier on the reader. A notable exception to this rule is when you're trying to follow the accidentals of the chord in the melody. (Say, if a song in F Major has a measure with F Minor accidentals (and an F Minor chord), you should use the other flats, even if the notes are going upwards). If all else fails, just try to limit use of accidentals. They're such a pain to work with.
Can't wait to hear more!